{"id":356,"date":"2012-11-17T00:15:11","date_gmt":"2012-11-17T00:15:11","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/blog.resourcezoneinternational.com\/?p=356"},"modified":"2019-06-23T05:17:18","modified_gmt":"2019-06-23T05:17:18","slug":"constructive-openness","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blog.resourcezone.com.au\/?p=356","title":{"rendered":"Constructive Openness"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><a href=\"https:\/\/blog.resourcezone.com.au\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/10\/Constructive-Openness_1.jpg\"><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-357\" title=\"Constructive Openness\" src=\"https:\/\/blog.resourcezone.com.au\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/10\/Constructive-Openness_1.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"652\" height=\"435\" srcset=\"https:\/\/blog.resourcezone.com.au\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/10\/Constructive-Openness_1.jpg 459w, https:\/\/blog.resourcezone.com.au\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/10\/Constructive-Openness_1-300x200.jpg 300w\" sizes=\"(max-width: 652px) 100vw, 652px\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Rarely do two people talk openly about their reactions to each other.\u00a0 Most of us withhold our feelings (even in relationships that are very important or dear to us) because we fear hurting others, making them angry, or being rejected by them.\u00a0 Because we don\u2019t know how to be constructively open, we say nothing.<\/p>\n<p>The other person continues, totally unaware of our reaction to their actions.\u00a0 Likewise, we continue ignorant of the effect our actions produce in them.\u00a0 As a result, many relationships that could be productive and enjoyable gradually flounder and sink under the accumulated load of tiny annoyances, hurt feelings and misunderstandings that we never talked about openly.<\/p>\n<p style=\"margin-bottom: -0px;\">The following points increase the probability that openness will improve a relationship rather than harming it:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"color: black; font-size: 14px;\">\u00a0<strong>Openness must stem from a desire to improve your relationship with the other.\u00a0 <\/strong>Openness is not an end in itself but a means to an end.\u00a0 We are not open with people who we do not want to connect with.\u00a0 Indicate that you value your relationship with the other and wish to improve it because it is important to you.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"color: black; font-size: 14px;\">\u00a0<strong>Aim at creating a shared understanding of your relationship.\u00a0 <\/strong>Share your thoughts and feelings with each other and clarify your perceptions.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"color: black; font-size: 14px;\">\u00a0<strong>Recognise that openness involves risk-taking.\u00a0 <\/strong>You cannot receive maximum guarantee with minimum risk.\u00a0 Your willingness to risk your self-esteem, being rejected or hurt by each other, etc., depends upon the importance of the relationship to you.\u00a0 Likewise, you cannot ask that the other guarantee not to become angry or feel hurt by your comments.\u00a0 The important point is that you are willing to risk them being themselves \u2013 whatever they feel \u2013 to create a growing situation for both of you. Although the discussion may become intense, spirited, angry or even tearful, it should be non-coercive and not attempt to get the other to change. Each should use the information they see fit.\u00a0 The attitude should not be \u201cwho\u2019s wrong or who\u2019s right? but \u201cwhat can each of us learn from this discussion that will make our working together more productive and more satisfying?\u201d As a result of the discussion, one, both, or neither of you may act differently in the future.\u00a0 Each, however, will act with fuller awareness of the effect of their actions on the other as well as with more understanding of the other\u2019s intentions.\u00a0 Any change, thus, will be self-chosen rather than to placate or submit to the other.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"color: black; font-size: 14px;\">\u00a0<strong>Timing is important.\u00a0 <\/strong>Reactions should be shared as close to the behaviour that aroused them as possible, so that the other will know exactly what behaviour is being discussed.\u00a0 That is, behaviour during the encounter itself can be commented on, eg. \u201cWhat you just said is the kind of remark that makes me feel I&#8217;m not needed on the team\u201d.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"color: black; font-size: 15px;\">\u00a0<strong>Disturbing situations should be discussed as they occur. <\/strong>It is better to do this rather than saving up massive accumulations of hurt feelings and annoyance and dumping them on the other all at one time.\n<ul>\n<li>Paraphrase the other\u2019s comments about you to make sure you understand them as they intend them.\u00a0 Check to make sure the other understands your comments in the way you intend them.<\/li>\n<li>Statements are more helpful if they are:\n<ul>\n<li>Specific rather than general.\u00a0 \u201cYou bumped my cup\u201d rather than \u201cYou never watch where you\u2019re going\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Tentative rather than absolute.\u00a0 \u201cYou seemed unconcerned about the situation\u201d rather than \u201cYou don\u2019t care about the situation and never will!\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Informing rather than ordering.\u00a0 \u201cI hadn\u2019t finished yet\u201d rather than \u201cStop interrupting me\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li style=\"list-style-type: none;\">\n<ul>\n<li style=\"color: black; font-size: 15px;\">\u00a0<strong>Use perception-checking responses. <\/strong>This helps to insure that you are not making false assumptions about the other\u2019s feelings.\u00a0 \u201cI thought you weren\u2019t interested in trying to understand my idea.\u00a0 Was I wrong?\u201d \u201cDid my last statement bother you\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li style=\"list-style-type: none;\">\n<ul>\n<li style=\"color: black; font-size: 15px;\">\u00a0<strong>The least helpful kinds of statements <\/strong> are those that sound as if they are information about the other person, but are really expressions of your own feelings coming out as:\n<ul>\n<li style=\"color: black; font-size: 15px;\">Judgements about the other.\u00a0 \u201cYou never pay any attention\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Name-calling, trait labelling. \u201cYou\u2019re a phony.\u201d \u201cYou\u2019re rude.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Accusations \u2013 implying undesirable motives. \u201cYou enjoy putting people down.\u201d \u201cYou always have to be the centre of attention.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Commands and orders.\u00a0 \u201cStop laughing.\u201d \u201cDon\u2019t talk so much\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Sarcasm.\u00a0 \u201cYou always look on the bright side of things, don\u2019t you?\u201d (when the opposite is meant)<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<li style=\"list-style-type: none;\">\n<ul>\n<li style=\"color: black; font-size: 15px;\">\u00a0<strong>The most helpful kinds of information<\/strong> about yourself and your reactions are:\n<ul>\n<li>Behaviour descriptions, reporting the specific acts of the others that affect you.<\/li>\n<li>For example, \u201cYou interrupted before I had finished my sentence\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Describe your own feelings. \u201cI feel annoyed.\u201d \u201cI like what you just said\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>You should try to describe your feelings in such a way that they are seen as temporary and capable of change rather than as permanent attitudes.\u00a0 For example, \u201cAt this point I\u2019m very annoyed with you,\u201d rather than \u201cI dislike you and I always will.\u201d<\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft wp-image-2660 size-thumbnail\" src=\"https:\/\/blog.resourcezone.com.au\/wp-content\/uploads\/2019\/06\/Colin-1-150x150.jpg\" alt=\"\" width=\"150\" height=\"150\" \/><\/p>\n<p>\u00a9 Colin Noyes. Colin is the Director of ResourceZone International. He has thirty years of ministry experience as a pastor, college lecturer and consultant\/coach to consultants, denominational leaders and local church pastors. He can be reached at <a href=\"mailto:info@resourcezoneinternational.com\">info@resourcezoneinternational.com<\/a><br \/>\n&nbsp;<br \/>\n&nbsp;<br \/>\n&nbsp;<br \/>\n&nbsp;<\/p>\n<h4><strong>Related Resources<\/strong><\/h4>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"list-style-type: none;\">\n<ul>\n<li style=\"list-style-type: none;\">\n<ul class=\"list list0\">\n<li style=\"color: black; font-size: 15px;\"><a title=\"Giving Constructive Feedback. Skill Builder Booklet-Ministry Specific Resource (PDF)\" href=\"http:\/\/www.resourcezone.com.au\/giving-constructive-feedback-skill-builder-booklet-ministry-specific-resource-pdf\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Giving Constructive Feedback: Skill Builder Booklet-Ministry Specific Resource (PDF)<\/a><\/li>\n<li style=\"color: black; font-size: 15px;\"><a title=\"Giving and Receiving Feedback Storyboard\" href=\"http:\/\/www.resourcezone.com.au\/giving-and-receiving-feedback-storyboard-pdf\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Giving and Receiving Feedback Storyboard<\/a><\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Rarely do two people talk openly about their reactions to each other.\u00a0 Most of us withhold our feelings (even in relationships that are very important or dear to us) because we fear hurting others, making them angry, or being rejected by them.\u00a0 Because we don\u2019t know how to be constructively open, we say nothing. The&#8230;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":413,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-356","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-communication"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.resourcezone.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/356","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.resourcezone.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.resourcezone.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.resourcezone.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.resourcezone.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=356"}],"version-history":[{"count":31,"href":"https:\/\/blog.resourcezone.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/356\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4985,"href":"https:\/\/blog.resourcezone.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/356\/revisions\/4985"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.resourcezone.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/413"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blog.resourcezone.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=356"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.resourcezone.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=356"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blog.resourcezone.com.au\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=356"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}